Little Thoughts.

Bloc Party

—On (Full Story Remix)

the peltz family x

the peltz family x

It is late at night and I can’t sleep because I’m thinking if her.
My heartache won’t let me sleep.

After looking at a few LDR’s blogs..

I just can’t help but saying that they’re amazing and for only the strongest of couples.

It’s really inspiring seeing people overcome what Carlee and I never did.

I’m sorry for denouncing LDR’s because mine didn’t work.

If you’re in one now, I hope you fall in love and get married because that’s what you all deserve to the fullest extent.

Be happy. <3 xx

For the first time ever, I’m going to sit down with my dad and tell him everything that’s happened.

And I’m going to ask for a psychologist.

I want to move on from this.

UPDATE.

So she texted me last night while I was asleep.

We talked. And she just now, sent me a picture of her and her new boyfriend. I’m actually happy for her. I really am.

But as for me, I’m alone and without the girl I love and someone else has her, and it really hurts. 

She told me she forgot what it felt like to be kissed and hugged and touched…so this goes to show that no matter how hard you try, long distance relationships don’t work.

I’m going to find help for me and see a psychologist as long as someone helps me feel better so I can hopefully move on.

It hurts like nothing has ever hurt before and I want to kill myself because I honestly have lost all faith in everything.

I feel so dead on the inside. 

Learn from me everyone, DON’T GET INVOLVED IN LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS.

Read my whole story here.

My Apology to Carlee Jackson.

My name is Kevin.
10 months ago, I met a very amazing and life changing girl. Her name is Carlee. She gave away her kik, or her friend did, through a chat website. I saw she was really cute. Ocean blue eyes that drew me in the instant I saw her. Gorgeous brunette hair. Such a cute smile. I messaged her with a wise crack asking if I was cute, because she asked for cute boys. We instantly connected. She opened up to me instantly and I thought everything she told me was so cute. I asked her to tell me about herself and she told me so much. From her favorite color (pink) to how she fell asleep with her earbuds in to how sometimes she’d fall asleep on people without saying goodbye because she didn’t want to. She was so different. And I just couldn’t get over her. There was only one problem. My name and my picture on kik were fake. I posed as Alex Peltz and some good looking kid who happened to like everything I liked. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I never did. Ultimately, I did, but I ended up not only hurting, but destroying myself.
Those 10 months were so perfect. Things went sour, we fixed it. I tried to break up with her once because the fact the she didn’t know who I really was, was eating my alive. What did she do? She fought for me. She fought hard, almost begging me to stay and it touched my heart. So I stayed. It touched me so much, that I felt it and right then and there, for the first time, I told her I loved her. Then a few months passed. At around our 3rd or 4th month, I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted so bad, but she didn’t. I never understood why, but she said she didn’t feel comfortable with it. So I would call her, cos I wanted her to hear mine. I’d leave her voicemails, that ended up coming out a bit awkward, but did the job nonetheless. She told me I sounded really cute. So one night, before I was about to go to bed, she told me to download voxer. And she left me a message. It was the sweetest message ever. Saying something around the lines of “Hey Alex…so..I just wanted to say thaaat….I love you and I hope you sleep well..” there was more to it, but it pains me to go back and listen. And at that moment, my heart was throbbing out of my chest. I really felt something different toward her. Eventually, we finally had our first phonecall. It was brief, but it was perfect. We talked. It wasn’t awkward, it was like we’d known each other for years. Then months passed. I remember exactly being at a DSW store and on my way out, she told me that she was committed to me. That was deeper and more heartfelt than anything a girl has ever told me in my life. I was so taken back by it and of course said it back. That same day, I took the opportunity to show my mom and grandmother her picture. They said she was really pretty and I felt so warm and fuzzy inside knowing she was mine. Then a few months later, it was Valentine’s Day. For the first time ever, we had valentines. And we sent each other presents. I sent her some flowers, chocolates and a bear..had them send it to her school to come on Valentine’s Day. We talked in school all day that day and when she finally told me she got it, I was so relieved. She told me she loved it and everyone in her school was awwing her. As soon as I left school, I got home and on my doorstep was a box. To Alex Peltz from Carlee. I was so eager to see what it was cos she never exactly told me. But before that, my dad and I got into a huge fight over nothing and he kicked me out of the house. So I took it with the rest of my belongings to my mom’s. I remember crying on the way there. Not because of my dad, but because Carlee and I were so deeply in love with each other and it wasn’t me. So when I got home, I opened it when I was alone. It was a poster she made that said cute lines with some words replaced by candies and a 49ers banner. I burst into tears automatically and told her I was so thankful, I really was. Who would think of such a thing? It was really perfect. She told me that day was kinda ruined because of what my dad to me, and I totally agreed, but that present will forever be in my heart and will be one of the fondest memories I have of her. So months passed again. She wanted to snapchat…and I always gave her an excuse. My phone was taken from me by dad, so that was an excuse. Then I just kept putting it off for other weeks..then finally, I told her. I told her everything. I couldn’t take it anymore and I told her. That was one of the worst days of my life. I knew I broke her and it broke me just as bad. But she stayed. She never broke up with me. I begged and pleaded her to because I didn’t want her being with me against her will, but she stayed. She told me she still loved me. And that first week was rough…but we made it through and I felt that our bond was stronger than ever. Everything was back to normal, but in my heart, I knew it was real because she loved ME. Not Alex Peltz. Not an image of who I wanted to be. She loved Kevin. And those months were great. God, I was so happy. One negative thing did come out of all of it. We had planned to meet in July. I wanted to take a trip to see her from Virginia to Nevada..we planned it for a long time, but she said she couldn’t anymore because she couldn’t explain what happened to her parents. She had already showed them pictures of the fake kid and she said it was just best to call it off. That hurt, but she managed to remove my mindset from that and to give a positive outlook towards the future. She could always do that. Say the right things at the worst of times and make me feel so much better. I am a very jealous guy, and she assured me so perfectly that there was no one else, that I never ever worried about it. I trusted her. Other than our July plans being ruined everything was okay. But then, a few weeks ago, she told me about some stuff that was happening with her best friend. She wasn’t talking to Carlee and hurting her. Then, Carlee’s grandfather had a heart attack and eventually passed away. Then came the last week. She had CRT’s that I guess were placement tests for high school. She was really stressed out, but there was something wrong with her. She never talked to me. She’d message me every two hours or so and I’d be lucky to get anything longer than 4 words. Something was very wrong and I begged her to tell me. I wanted to be there for her, I wanted to be her rock, like always. But she never did. She always said she was okay. But she wasn’t. And it made me very uneasy seeing as to she had never reacted that way to me in 9 months that we were together. So on Tuesday, I broke up with her. For like a minute before I ended up regretting it and she took me back. The next morning, I tried. She was still very melancholy and wouldn’t talk to me. That evening I tried and didn’t hear back from her until nightime. So that night, last Wednesday, I broke up with her. She didn’t fight for me this time as she just accepted it and wrote me like 4 sentances thanking me for everything and that I hoped I was happy. I didn’t think that was enough. So I begged her to tell me what was wrong, and she told me about her best friend, her grandpa, the CRT’s and the incredible amount of pressure that she was under. And I was so surprised. I had no idea her grandfather passed away, that was something she’d usually tell me. I asked her why she was so distanced from me and she said she was sorry and was distanced to everyone but Tierra and Nick. As soon as I read Nick, I knew. And I told her that was all I needed to know. Latet that night, I couldn’t sleep, so I wrote down all my feelings to her. Apologies and me telling her how happy she’d someday be with someone better than me. I was too scared to see her reaction, so right after I finished, I blocked her on kik. She never messaged me back. She never called me again. And every day since that day, I have been a wreck. I love her so much and I miss her and I just wish she would text me and tell me that she misses me. I have never felt a hurt this bad. I have never wanted to die so bad. So yeah, I might have been an inconsiderate asshole, keeping my identity from her after such a long time. I know I hurt her, but I never wanted to and I did tell her the truth. In the end, I am the one that’s hurt. I am completely attached and more hurt than anyone could ever imagine. People must think I’m crazy falling in love at this age and being so hurt, but I assure you, I am in love with her. Everything reminds me of her. Whenever we’d talk on the phone for hours, I’d walk around this church, now I can’t look at it. My room has so many memories of her. My heart wants her, but I know she’s had enough..
I just wanted to apologize so that everyone knows the terrible, immense pain that I am going through right now. My friends aren’t really there for me, and Carlee is constantly in my thoughts.
I hope she someday forgives me for what I did because it was cruel and evil and I deserve this pain more than anyone else.
God, it hurts.
Part of me wants to find a psychologist to get help behind my parents back.
Find a church and ask a pastor to help me out and talk me out of these horrible suicidal feelings.
It hurts so much. My stomach has had that low gut feeling for every single second since the breakup. This is absolutely terrible and I don’t wish it upon my worse enemies.
To anyone out there who are catfishing or anything near that, just don’t. It’s stupid and selfish and it only ends up hurting people, ultimately you.
To anyone who is in love or falling for someone over the internet, I’m very happy for you and I hope it works out for you guys, but be very careful.
Ask to skype and snapchat, anything in that sort of nature until you’re 100% sure. I’m so sorry to Carlee, she is the toughest girl I know.
I’ll miss her sweet voice and pictures and beautifully written paragraphs about how she loved me.
I’ll miss waking up to her messages and falling asleep to them.
Right now, I miss her more than anything in the world.
But there is no one else to blame but me. It’s my fault. I accept that.
I hope I have the inner strength to move on with my life, but if I do cut it short, I want Carlee to know that I love her with all my heart and that all along, whether it was with me or not, I just wanted her to be happy.
She is the most kind-hearted, caring person that I have ever met in my life.
I love her. I love her so much.
And like we used to say, I love her to the moon and back, forever and always.
I hope this cruel lesson is read by people and learn from my mistakes.
It is never okay to lie to someone, and if you don’t want to end up a complete mess and heartbroken enough to completely give up on life like me, then be honest, kind, and caring like she was, and never ever let them go.
Appreciate her/him. Love them.
People come and go, but that one special person you meet you can’t let get away.

Be safe and happy out there. xx